What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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