I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
