Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She tied me up with her honor cords...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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