Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
