totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
