make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
