My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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