I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
