I could make wine with my vomit
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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