If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
