Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
