I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
