I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
