A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So many bounce houses so little time
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
