I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
