vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My bed smells like the plague
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
