Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
