Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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