I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
