I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
