I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
