it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
