So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
