My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
