The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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