proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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