I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
