It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
