I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
