This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
