I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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