i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
