Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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