I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
