yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
