dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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