Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
