I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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