My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
