I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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