my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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