I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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