and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
