last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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