were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You smell like stripper and shame
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
