Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
