So drunk its hurt
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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