I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
