did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
