What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
